Frustration is Your Friend

Yes, you read that correctly, it did say frustration is your friend!

Often when we are in the depths of our personal process, frustration comes to visit us for a while or for a few moments.  For the most part our response to frustration is to try doing the thing we were trying to do before or when the frustration set in.  This is part of the problem, when we get frustrated it generally leaves us on the proverbial hamster wheel and round and round and round we go until we give up and walk away from the issue at hand.

I have learnt over the years that frustration is a great friend and ally in my own personal process. So how does that work? 

The emotional body is one unit of human energy and it contains all of the emotions we full, the full spectrum from bliss to blame, happiness to horror, love and lamentation, joy to jealousy, bitterness and sweetness. When we suppress one emotion, we simply numb all of them. It’s like placing a partial damn on a river, it may still be flowing, but the flow will have changed significantly. 

Sometimes our frustration is born out of wanting to opt for a spiritual bypass, meaning, we don’t want to ‘go there’, but would rather jump straight into all the nice feelings and grab the resolution with both hands. In reality, that never works, perhaps temporarily as we ride the ‘feelgood’ wave, but in the long term, we are still struggling with unresolved feelings and self image.

Frustration is your friend for as you ride the wave of frustration it can take you to exactly where you need to go. Frustration leading to anger, leading to our deeper wound and then leading to the resolution. 

When we get frustrated, we are in a good place. Let me repeat that: When we are frustrated, we are in a good place, a very good place.  All that is necessary is to take advantage of the charge of energy behind the frustration and ride the wave; it will lead us to exactly where we need to go. 

If you feel ready to get really frustrated during a Skype or Phone session with me, get in touch and you’ll be riding the wave soon and I promise not to play Hawaii Five-O music in the background, unless of course you ask me to. 

With love,

John 

www.johnlpayne.com 

Freedom from Bondage

Very often when we approach Family Constellation we work, we do so from a wounded place.  Perhaps we did not receive the love and nurturance we needed, or perhaps there was even abuse that was verbal, physical or sexual.  These can be very deep wounds that have a deep impact on how we live our lives and our current relationship, be that with partners, our children or friends. 

Very often we can get stuck with two differing attempts to heal a family wound. We can get motivated to heal ourselves and simply to ‘try’ harder, hoping that somehow they may one day become the family that we needed, or, with distaste and disdain, we can remove ourselves, sever all contact and get on with our lives – neither approach works. With the former we can create a pattern in which in order to have our needs met we develop a high tolerance for abuse and with the latter, in severing the physical link, we are still left with the unseen energetic and psychological ties.  These ties are our family’s image of us and the family image of the world – to which we are for the most part loyal. 

So how do we extricate ourselves from destructive family patterns whilst at the same time honouring the life that has been given? It is at this point that Family Constellation work steps into the spiritual domain, beyond the framework of what may be termed psychotherapeutic process. 

With this process, the healing sentence ‘Thank you for what you could do for me, the rest I shall do for myself’ presents itself as a solution. So what are we saying with this healing sentence? No matter the circumstances, something was given - be that shelter, sustenance, education and life itself. In addition, we are acknowledging in a respectful way that there are and were limitations with ‘could’. As we round off our sentence with ‘the rest I shall give to myself’ we start the process of freeing ourselves from the bondage that someday what we needed will be given and empower ourselves to start drinking in life’s riches without being dependent on another to change or transform. 

At times it is necessary to extricate ourselves from our family, but how do we do this and yet retain some sense of who we are and the ability to turn our fate into a destiny of choice instead of a fate that repeats itself over and over?  Closing our heart, turning away with anger, taking a superior stance or walking off with disdain are approaches that are always doomed to fail, for we simply take all of that with us and that in turn re-creates the same thing over and over.  Having tried all of those things over and over and over again, we then enter the spiritual. We begin to look at our fate as something that was handed to us by forces and movements much greater than ourselves. In turn we ask ourselves the question ‘this is my fate, what am I going to do with it?’ Within this is the acknowledgment that buried under our deepest wound lie our greatest gifts. Once we acknowledge and accept what is and what was, and know that it is not within our power to change anyone, we can then start the process of bowing with deep respect and saying ‘Thank you for what you could do for me, the rest I shall give to myself’.  At this point we liberate ourselves from the belief systems, images and wounds of the family system whilst retaining the family in our heart, opening ourselves to the blessings of the ancestors and the goodness that life can offer – we embrace our soul and all that it has delivered.

www.johnlpayne.com

Family Constellations - The Orders of Love

The Orders of Love describe a natural hierarchy that has been observed through the practice of Family Constellations. What we have observed, is that there is a distinct order that states who belongs, and who doesn’t belong not only to a family system, but also to groups and nations. On working with individuals, we observe that each of us has three levels of conscience: the conscience we have as individuals which dictates to us what is right and wrong, our responsibilities, and our reactions to certain conditions; additionally, we belong to the collective conscience of our biological family, the connections and influence of which can span many generations; and lastly, we participate in the conscience of our ethnic and national groups—be that Jewish, Afrikaans, Xhosa, Zulu, White, Black, Coloured, Muslim, Hindu, Catholic, Protestant, English, German or Scottish, etc.

In observing work with clients during the process of Family Constellations, we see an undeniable and almost measurable effect when the Orders of Love have been disrupted in some families. The Orders of Love prescribe who comes first, who belongs after that, and describes a natural flow of love from grandparents, to parents and to children. These orders span countless generations but tend to be experienced as having the greatest influence within three to seven generations. So how do the Orders of Love become disrupted? As these ancient orders dictate who belongs and how, disruptions take place when individuals or groups have been excluded, either deliberately, or as a result of family members not being able to embrace the difficult fate of another family member. The overriding principle of the Orders of Love is that parents give life, and that children receive life. Therefore, when a child—no matter the age—is motivated to place himself above a parent, or equal to a parent, there are consequences in terms of the natural flow of the Orders of Love towards him. The cost to the child with such posturing is usually evident in disruptive life patterns.

For example, the most common disruptions are caused by the early death of a parent or grandparent, the death of a child, miscarriages, abortions, an individual being ousted from a family in the role of ‘black sheep’ or if a murder or other injustice has taken place. All of these events can be felt and observed to have a deep residual impact on our lives today, even when they have taken place three, four or five generations back. On encountering these ancient Orders of Love, seasoned therapists are not only amazed by the efficiency of working within this new concept, but are also humbled by the power of working in this innovative and fresh way, inspiring them to find new solutions for clients that have hitherto eluded them. When we look closer at the Orders of Love, we enter a realm that is beyond traditional psychotherapy, and initiates a movement to cross the threshold into the dominion of the Soul. The Soul, by its very nature is equal to, and inclusive of, all things. At the heart of the Soul is the acknowledgement and acceptance of what is. This is the basis and power of love. Through this nature of love, we become liberated to belong without entanglement in the fate of others, as well as from a collective conscience that may be detrimental to us in terms of creating disruptive life patterns. Resolutions for interruptions in the natural Orders of Love lie in seeing each member of our family (or nation) as belonging equally, irrespective of personality traits: whether they are strong or
weak, amicable or argumentative, mentally or physically handicapped, committed suicide or died at a very young age. In restoring the Orders of Love, we need to allow and respect the fate of each member of our family (or nation), no matter how burdensome that fate may be, for each individual must be able to be strengthened not only by their fate, but also by any responsibility that they may have for it. What has been observed time and time again, is that disruptive life patterns—be they manifest as physical illness or difficulties in relationships—can be attributed to an interruption in the Orders of Love, as well as the difficulty that some individuals have in allowing the fate of another to remain where it is, instead of taking it on as their own.
Often, in working to restore the Orders of Love through Family Constellations, the client has little or no conscious awareness of his entanglements with the fate of others, but when revealed through a constellation, he becomes acutely aware of his hidden loyalties and begins to consciously defend them.

The Orders of Love rarely exist intact within the average family. When members of a family cause a disruption to the Orders of Love—albeit this is more often than not realised or responded to in an unconscious way and not acknowledged—the awareness does not simply fade away from the family conscience or Soul; it remains intact. If an individual has been ousted unfairly from a family, another family member—even several generations later—will be compelled to restore balance and order by suffering a similar fate out of unspoken loyalty. It is in the same way, that nations or national and ethnic groups that have been victims of other groups, go on to imitate the original perpetrators. Victims and perpetrators share a fate with one another and when the victim is denied or excluded in some way, the perpetrator is also excluded—given a status that is less than human—compelling future generations to either take on the fate of the perpetrator or the victim as their own. When we look at perpetrators, it must be remembered that there is much more to the individual than that moment in time when he becomes the murderer or persecutor. His being is much larger than a single event, and rather than a single event defining who he is, it is the totality of his being. Let
me share some examples:

Although raised in a Christian household, a client was compelled to convert to Judaism. On exploring family history, we see that his great-grandfather left his
wife for a Jewish woman and had a child with her. This child, Jewish owing to its mother, was excluded, not acknowledged as a brother to the client’s grandfather,
not acknowledged as an uncle or great-uncle, by the client or his family. This constitutes an exclusion which creates disruption in the Orders of Love; therefore, as the nature of the Soul is inclusion and to be equal to all things, the client feels compelled to share in the fate of his great-uncle and live with the consequences of conversion to Judaism within the context of belonging to a Christian family.

In this way, we as children, and our own children, take on the energies and feelings of ancestors, living life as if they themselves were a particular ancestor who had been forgotten or ousted in some way. By far the most common entanglement and disruption to the Orders of Love are observed when there has been the early death of an individual within a family, be it a parent or a child. When an individual dies early, it is very difficult for surviving family members to accept the fate of that person; this is particularly so for parents who lose an infant, or for a young child when a parent dies. When we are unable to look at and fully acknowledge the dead, they, too, become excluded, for their fate has been rejected. Fate is a matter for the Soul.

A client reports that she has often struggled with suicidal feelings and has been on a life-long quest to search for spiritual truth. On working with her family, we learned that her mother’s sister died just a few hours after birth. The child was neither named nor given a funeral and was never spoken of, a clearly taboo subject within the family. On setting up her constellation, the client immediately wept when looking at the representative for the dead child and reported, “It feels as if I’ve been looking for her all of my life.” The client also reported feeling guilty simply for being alive, and now had a clear understanding why.

My client was compelled to represent the dead child in some way, and to share in its fate through not being fully present in life, with one foot in the grave so to speak. When a child dies, the parents often cannot look at the child, and are unable to take the child as their own, thus the child becomes ousted from the family. In such cases, even four or five generations later, its effect can be felt and the children and grandchildren of later generations can feel compelled to share the fate of such a child in some way, either through action, or by carrying the feelings. More often than not, clients who report being on a life-long quest for spiritual truth or ‘something’, are usually looking for someone who has died and been forgotten.

So how do we work with the Orders of Love and access the information that is revealed? We do so by employing what is described as the Knowing Field.

The Knowing Field
In Family Constellation work we use representatives to stand in for members of our family and ancestors; this is when we engage the unseen presence that we have come to know as the Knowing Field. It is then that we meet the phenomenon that representatives have access to information and feelings of the individuals they are representing. This, for the representatives, can be a powerful and life-changing experience in its own right as they step into another’s shoes and ‘become’ someone else, with little to no knowledge of the personality and circumstances of the individual they are representing.

During a constellation process, a representative is asked to stand in for the client’s grandfather. On being placed in position, the representative lifts up one foot and rests it behind the knee of his other leg, therefore standing on one leg. The client gasps and utters, “My grandfather lost his leg in WWI!”

Everyone taking part in Family Constellations for the first time is amazed, deeply touched and altered in some way by means of their exposure to what they see unfolding before them, as well as by their own often intense experiences when asked to represent a complete stranger. On hearing about this work, the reactions are often sceptical, even incredulous, wondering if it could possibly be true, some adding conjecture that representatives are merely acting out of a need to create healing or resolution for a client. However, sometimes what a representative feels and expresses is far from loving and none of the feelings of any of the representatives can be predicted in advance. What we do hear frequently are statements from clients like, “That’s just like my brother—that is what he would say.” There is a certain sense of mystery as to how this happens, for the representatives are not required to be psychically gifted, but are ordinary people attending a workshop. We hear time and again from participants verifying the truth of the feelings, attitudes and events that are being represented. In some way, the representatives are either absorbing the energy of the family soul, or simply becoming part of it—which is astounding in its own right—but the true power of the work comes from releasing the mystery of it, accepting what is, and simply using the Knowing Field as expressed through the representatives in order to bring order to chaos and resolution to disharmony.

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are? This is a vital question as we are all much more than we think – we have the blessings and the belief systems of a thousand or more generations behind us.

Whilst not conscious of it, each of us is deeply impacted by the events and belief systems of the generations that preceded us.  Far from being islands, we are connected to the family field as if to a matrix and much of that is subconscious and more powerful than we often give it credit.

During my recent three months in China I began to see that as a nation that has been closed to the outside world that it indeed was not just a different culture, but an entirely different world. In comparison, although in day to day life I do not consider myself a Christian in the traditional sense, I became increasingly aware of just how Christian I am with my belief systems and cultural values! If often takes comparison with something totally different to get a clearer picture of who we are and what makes us tick.

Through working with the Ancestral Field not only can we tap into all of the wisdom and goodness that streams from them, we can also heal that which has a limiting influence upon us. Belief systems and behaviour patterns are passed from one generation to the next and we as modern, educated human beings are just as affected by them. The good news about entering the Ancestral Field for healing purposes is that we do not need to know our family’s history; the field will do the revealing.

With this kind of approach we can work with:

Belief systems

Original Trauma

Family Guilt

All of which, when encountered and resolved can create big leaps forward in our lives and lasting change.

The Courage to Transform Fate into Destiny

When it comes to healing on any level, the most important quality or virtue is courage.  In order not to re-live our personal, family, national or ethnic history we must have the courage to face our past, or indeed to examine what we are creating in the present.

Without courage, all other qualities we consider virtues, such as love, forgiveness, acceptance, tolerance, kindness, charity and understanding are only temporary states of being for none of them can exist in our world unless they are supported by courage.  Likewise, courage does not exist unless fear is present. Fear of judgment, fear of exposure, the fear of being shamed and the fear of being undefended.

Without courage we can simply succumb to our fate an allow it to be the cornerstone of our lives, dictating the outcome of every relationship and life experience, in essence, more like a millstone than a solid cornerstone from which to build something that expresses who we truly are as opposed to the distorted self-view born from our wounding. However, all of the limiting life patterns that we experience really emerge from resisting that which was given, our fate. Yes, this sounds like a contradiction. In order for us to evolve our fate into a destiny of our choosing, we must first submit to whatever happened, to the fate that was given.

We live in a world of opposites, we have up and down, left and right, light and dark and so on an so forth and within life's lessons lies opposites as well - we live in a world of comparison and our free will allows us to create a life of our choosing. So no matter where we stand in life, all that is not wanted is an opportunity for us to launch ourselves forward towards what we do want. However, so many of us spend so much time simply resisting what is instead of reaching for that which is wanted.

The word submit is a difficult word for most to digest.  It conjures up images of submission, acquiescence and being resigned to a given situation with no further freedom to change or do anything about it. However, I use the term 'submit' in the meaning of accepting what is and what was. So why don't I just say 'accept' in its stead? Fate is a given and it comes to us from a power and a force that is much greater than us, I am not talking here about an individual God, the God of the Bible who has a personality, a will, wishes, laws and is all mighty, but I am talking here about the forces that govern human relationships and all life. Within this force is not only the greater soul of humanity and the soul of all life on our planet, both seen and unseen by the naked eye, but also our individual soul.

Family Constellations is a powerful way of looking at what fate had delivered, heal our wounds and turn towards our destiny.

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Courage

When it comes to healing on any level, the most important quality or virtue is courage.  In order not to re-live our personal, family, national or ethnic history we must have the courage to face our past.

Without courage, all other qualities we consider virtues, such as love, forgiveness, acceptance, tolerance, kindness, charity and understanding are only temporary states of being for none of them can exist in our world unless they are supported by courage.  Likewise, courage does not exist unless fear is present.

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Sending Faxes to God

Sending Faxes To God Inc.
by John L. Payne

Our dear friend Bob electrocutes himself whilst blow drying his hair in the bathroom one evening and suddenly finds himself in heaven. He is somewhat bewildered, his last memory catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror with frizzy hair as he fell with a thud to the ground. Anyway, his wonderful guide Gloria comes to his aid and settles him in to his new situation. “So how do you think you did Bob?” asks Gloria.

“Well, very well I think. It’s hard work down there. Work, trouble, toil, striving to create new situations, overcoming challenges, it’s quite exhausting!” replied Bob with frustration in his voice.

“Oh?” replied Gloria “seems to me that you got everything you asked for”

“Everything I asked for! Have you gone completely mad? I hardly ever got what I wanted. As I said, a lot of toil and trouble, broken dreams, disappointments, just plain hard work.”

Gloria placed her hand lovingly on Bob’s knee and with a kind look gazed into his eyes and said “No Bob, really, you got everything you asked for. You see, the Universe is like God Inc and we have departments for everything. Order departments, dispatch, marketing, management, everything, and we’re all working for you. Let me show you.”

Gloria took Bob by the hand and took him into a very, very, very large building. Hundreds of people were milling around all over the place, carrying books, files, documents, people shouting across hallways and offices like a busy stock exchange, an absolute sight of busyness. “This is the order department Bob, look around” Gloria invited.

As Bob looked around, he could see fax machines pumping out orders left right and centre, piles of documents several feet high on many desks, documents being passed from one person to another. He was amazed by just how busy it was. Gloria then took him by the hand to another room and in that room sat one person, with one fax machine next to her desk. As he stood there, the beautiful assistant received a fax which she read diligently and with a smile on her face, took a rubber stamp that said “Implemented” on it, and crashed it down on the paper with a look of sheer delight on her face. Gloria took bob out into the hallway and looked at him. “Did you notice the difference between the two order departments Bob?”.

“Yes” replied Bob “Clearly that small office is for someone special, a senior soul or something and the other office deals with lots and lots of less important Souls”

“No my dear Bob” replies Gloria “the small office is the order department for a woman on Earth who is clear about what she wants, hardly ever gives into doubt, doesn’t feel that she has to compete with others, and is clear about her intentions. The other office, on the other hand, is your order department.”

“Yeah, me and half of Earth’s population” Bob retorted. “No Bob” Gloria replied gently “it is YOUR order department. All of those people and faxes work for you”.
“They do?” asked Bob

“Yes Bob, each one of them works for you every moment of the day” says Gloria “let me explain”. Gloria goes on to explain to Bob that every request he sends out in thought is received as a fax by God Inc and implemented. She explains that Bob would send faxes saying something like “I want a new challenging career, which is well paid, where I am independent and self reliant” and the order is approved immediately by God Inc. Bob then goes for an interview and on his way out he sends another fax saying “I’m not sure I’m good enough for this job, they seem to be wanting to ask a lot of me”. Gloria then explains that this fax, like the first one, is approved and implemented, hence Bob does not get the job, and Bob in return is angry. Gloria takes Bob by the hand and takes him to the office archive where he can see every fax he has ever sent to God Inc. He is stunned, so many contradictory orders concerning health, money, career, relationships, everything! For each subject there are two piles “orders” and “cancelled orders”. Bob was amazed to see that the ‘orders’ and ‘cancelled orders’ piles were equal in many cases, and in most cases, ‘cancelled orders’ exceeded ‘orders’. “But the truth is Bob” Gloria says to him “there are only orders. It is God Inc’s responsibility to fulfill your every wish and whim, we are duty bound to obey your every command. So when you send us a fax saying “I’m not sure I can do this” we have to honor it and fulfill that order through your life’s circumstances.”

Bob looks at Gloria with wide eyes and says “So I really did get everything I wanted?”
“Yes Bob” replied Gloria “every fax sent to us is honored fully and it’s a pity that you rarely read the faxes we sent you”

“You sent me faxes? When? How often?” Bob replies in disbelief

“Yes Bob” Gloria replies with a gentle smile on her face “almost every day, but most of the time we simply got the busy signal, so we simply couldn’t get through to you. At times we would get creative and send a fax to a close friend who would read it you, but you never really listened or took note. Over the millennia, we’ve become very creative, we send faxes via friends, psychics, even hidden faxes through TV, Radio and many, many books, but you missed so many of them. A few times, when the line wasn’t busy, we did get through and you would read the fax with great interest, forget it, and then send us another fax asking for the same information. We would then re-send it, you would read it again, ignore it, forget it, dismiss it, whatever, and then re-fax us for the same information over and over again.”

“Didn’t you get tired with me” asked Bob
“No Bob, never” replied Gloria “that is our job, we only noticed just how tired you were making yourself. So, dear Bob, I would like you to try again. Go back to Earth, upgrade your fax receiving equipment, pay attention to what you receive, and try to send us fewer, much clearer faxes in future. We are only here to help you Bob.”

Fate & Destiny

In our quest for healing, there is much gold to be found in the depths of our wounding. It is within these wounds that our greatest gifts may be found. Each of us seeks unhindered contact with the other without defences and masks, each of us seeks to live from our true essence – an essence in which love, friendship and intimate relationships can flow freely and in which contact with ourselves can simply be.

Fate is a given, there is nothing we can do to change what was handed to us at birth. What we can change is how we feel about it and what we do with it. For some, the wounds of childhood can feel like a burden. As we dig deeper these wounds the become our teacher, forever presenting us with life lessons. Eventually as we bow to our own fate and the fate of others with deep respect, the wound then becomes our companion through life, no longer with power over us, but as an empowering companion and comrade to help us navigate the adventure we call life. Forever presenting us with the ability to make a conscious choice to respond instead of react, to embrace instead of reject, to respect instead of judge.

When we embrace our wounds as friends and companions along the road we are free to create our destiny, until then, we are burdened by our fate.

Fate is a given, destiny is what we do with it.

Why we often struggle with forgiveness

Why is it that we often struggle with forgiveness? When do we know that we have in fact forgiven and what are the pitfalls?

One of the main issues with forgiveness is it is often attempted from the stance of the good forgiving the bad, the better forgiving the worse or the superior forgiving the inferior. When are unable to come from a position of being equal to the other, then forgiveness, which releases the self from bondage, remains at a distance.

When we look at perpetrators it is also important to embrace the burden that they have created for themselves and their family. In the realm of the soul, the greater conscience of humanity, there is a natural knowing of that which is right and that which is wrong.

Even when a group conscience dictates that certain groups are the ‘enemy’ or ‘not worthy of respect’ the greater conscience of humanity upholds a moral compass that allows us all to know instinctively that murder, persecution, rape and sexual abuse are unacceptable and damaging behaviours. Whenever that moral compass of the greater soul of humanity is ignored, then the individual feels that transgression at a deep level. This burden goes beyond simple guilt or remorse, it is a tangible weight that is carried by the individual and often also by their descendents.

During some recent work, we looked at the fate of individuals who had been involved in genocide. In those moments the severity of their self created burden could be felt and the ripple effect of their actions felt down through the generations. This indeed is something to be mourned for.

When we mourn for self created burdens we include the perpetrators in the family of humanity once more, we become equal to them – soul to soul. As we have grown up in a culture that has been shaped by the punitive ideas of our religious traditions, moving to this place of respect for the self created burdens can be challenging. However, once we reach the place of understanding that embracing the perpetrator does not absolve them of their responsibility, we can more easily move into the presence of grace where forgiveness becomes a mute point and we become released from the burden of entanglement with the perpetrators.

Very often victims feel guilty after their ordeal, perhaps blaming themselves for being in the wrong place, for not taking more care or for simply ‘allowing’ it to happen. When the self created burden of the perpetrator can been embraced with deep respect, the victim can once again return to a place of innocence. When forgiveness does not take place, the victim often becomes as lost as the perpetrator – unable to regain their dignity and freedom. When it does take place, the victim can then embrace their heart again and the perpetrator is given the opportunity to face their responsibilities with dignity and as a member of humanity again.

www.johnlpayne.com 

Too Little Too Late?

As we approach the topic of both family and personal healing, many internal voices may want to have their say, some of them helpful, other voices not so helpful.

For example one voice may be saying ‘it cannot continue like this, something has to change’ another voice may be saying ‘all I want to do it to feel good, so why dredge these things up?. One of the most difficult challenges is facing an issue where we will undoubtedly feel that old wound again, and for the most part, we like to avoid that. However, where feelings are frozen or held tightly in place is exactly where our life will be frozen and not moving, or perhaps, be repeating the same old patterns over and over and over again.

Whilst it is true that one of the outcomes or objectives is to once again feel the natural flow of love within a relationship or within an extended family, in this process, the feelings that are stuck are met and dissolved. These can be feelings of shame, anger, rage, deep grief, a sense of loss, indignation – the list goes on. However, it is only through encounter that the walls of defence can be dissolved so that love can flow once more.

It is also important to become aware of those voices that say things like ‘it’s not allowed to have those feelings’ or ‘you should be ashamed of yourself for feeling like that!’. These voices are the voices of external authority that we have taken on as our own and they seek only to keep us in the same place – the real purpose of which is to protect us from feeling our wounds at all costs.

As we disentangle from the sometimes complex entanglements within a family system or the entanglements that get in the way of having intimate relationships that flow, we can encounter and release the nagging voices, encounter the fear and shame, and let go into a greater flow of natural love.

One of the most difficult aspects of Family Constellation work can be to allow love to flow when there is a general feeling of ‘too little too late’. This can be especially true if the parents are no longer with us, are very elderly or sick. So how do we overcome this feeling? First of all, healing is always about the self. Just as forgiveness is designed to release ourselves from bondage, allowing love to flow is also about allowing that which is natural to flow through us.

When we hold onto the old, nothing new can flow to us, as we release and accept what is, the flood gates can open, sometimes beginning as a trickle. So if it feels like ‘too little, too late’ the challenge is to open ourselves to what is present for in every human being, no matter their character, there is the level of the soul where love resides in its natural state, unhindered and unshackled by their own wounds. In essence, when the pain of keeping things as they are becomes greater than the possible pain of facing our wounds, we are ready to allow the need to be right become secondary to our desire for inner peace.

www.johnlpayne.com

The Presence of the Soul - Book Excerpt

Expression of the Soul

 

Often, when we think of the term “soul”, we consider it to be that part of us that will live on after the demise of our physical body. We often give little thought to the presence of our soul as we live day to day. The scope of this book is not to discuss the eternal validity of the soul, the afterlife or reincarnation, except in brief. Although I personally subscribe to those beliefs, my main purpose here is to relate to you how the presence of the soul in our day-to-day lives has been communicated to me through working with many individuals over several years.

Through my work, I have witnessed that the prevailing principle of the soul is expressed through inclusiveness and that the primary communication of the soul is through simplicity and distilled truth.  

As the soul reveals itself, it becomes apparent that it is not a part of us that we will only discover as our consciousness re-focuses itself into a nonphysical reality. Rather, through our conscious practice, choices, thoughts and words, we can experience the essence of our true selves in our day-to-day lives and allow our soul to be our guide and companion. Many believe that this can only be achieved through rigorous training in one or another meditation technique, or that they are so far removed from that mystical part of themselves that knowing their soul is far beyond their reach. However, I have observed that applying the simple principles of inclusiveness and distilled truth in our lives can make the presence of our soul very real as we clear out the clutter in our relationships, thoughts and feelings. The presence of the soul can be experienced when we allow the qualities of inclusiveness, allowing and truth to guide our lives.

The purpose of this book is to communicate how you can incorporate the principles and essence of a soul-driven life simply by reading this book and putting into practice some of the principles I will share with you.

Universal Inclusiveness

The soul is inclusive of all things, as has become abundantly evident to me through the practice of Family Constellation work. No one and no thing is ever excluded, neither victims nor perpetrators, well wishers nor those with mal-intent, neither the dead nor the living, the rich or the poor, the well or the unwell; everyone and everything is equal in the realm of the soul. For some, this is a difficult concept to grasp, as we have been raised in a culture that has been dominated by punitive religions for so long and we exist within a culture that insists on defining that which is good and allowed and that which is bad and forbidden. However, what we have witnessed is that exclusion has been at the root of much human suffering and pain. It was not so long ago when young unwed mothers were secreted away and much shame was put upon them and their children denied their rightful place in the world with the use of terms like “illegitimate”. Today, we see the rise of Neo-Nazism in some parts of German society as a result of the exclusion of the Nazis and their place in German history and society. The underlying principle of the soul dictates that that which is excluded, will be included or represented. This can also be expressed in the popular saying: that which you resist, persists.

History has taught us that the exclusion of anything has far-reaching effects. There was a time when Africans and Australian aboriginals were defined as cattle or livestock, denied the presence or acknowledgement of their own soul; similarly with the Jews and, in times gone by, parallel thinking between Catholics and Protestants and many other groups. On the grander scale of human events, you may be wondering, How do we include the unthinkable and despicable? How do we give a place in our hearts to the many perpetrators in our world? How do we find a place in our hearts for the Nazis, the architects of apartheid, the perpetrators of genocide in Bosnia or Rwanda, and the likes of Stalin, to name but a few?

The question that we really need to ask is this: Do we deny those groups and individuals a soul? Or do we look with compassion at the devastating effect that their actions have had on their own soul and on their descendants? When we exclude perpetrators through deciding that they have no soul, or no longer have the right to be considered human, our posturing becomes akin to that of the slave traders of old who decided wholesale that their “merchandise” possessed no soul; in other words, we take on and express perpetrator energy. At the root of all world disputes is the self-proclaimed “good” or “right” taking a stance against the “bad” or “wrong”. Many will argue that it is clear that the Nazis were bad, and, certainly, there is overwhelming evidence to support that belief. However, when we the “good” determine who is “bad”, we become just like them. We often justify righteous indignation – which only serves the purpose of adding more polarization to the world instead of inclusiveness. Through observation, I have frequently found that we tend to imitate those whom we least respect.

In observing the devastating effects upon the souls and families of perpetrators, which can have far reaching consequences for many generations, I have asked myself, for whom do we mourn? Do we only mourn for the Jews, the Poles, the Gypsies, the gay men and women and the countless others that suffered the fate of the Nazi concentration camps, or do we also mourn for the Nazis and their families? Just as I have seen that the children and grandchildren of Holocaust survivors can have a deep sense of having lost their soul, so I have found it also true of the children and grandchildren of those involved in the Nazi war machine. Our society encourages the mourning of victims, for it is “the right thing to do”, and yet it is clear that there is a price to be paid when we forget the souls of the perpetrators. Through observation and practice it has become abundantly clear to me that in order to achieve balance in the world we also need to mourn the perpetrators.

It behooves us to step back and imagine for a moment the consequences of exclusionary actions, and the damage that they do to the human soul. The effects are devastating and far- reaching. During one workshop, I had the privilege of working with a young woman whose life had been marred by years of depression and deep-seated feelings of unworthiness. As I investigated her family history, she revealed that her grandfather, although a regular German army foot soldier, had been placed on duty on a watchtower in Auschwitz. As our work together took form, it was apparent that her grandfather had the feeling of having lost his own soul through what he had observed and through the orders he had been obliged to carry out. This enduring and devastating feeling had passed to her from her grandfather via her mother. She reported that her great difficulty was that she felt that she had no permission to either love or acknowledge her grandfather, as the world at large had decided that individuals such as her grandfather could no longer be considered human, and that she felt guilty simply for being his granddaughter.

Whilst most of us can give a place in our hearts to this young woman, as she is clearly seen to be “innocent”, our challenge almost always comes in giving a place to her grandfather, the “guilty” one. What I have observed through trans-generational healing work is that the feeling carried by the granddaughter is indeed the feeling that her grandfather had as a result of his experience. When we step back and look at such cases with the eyes of truth, it becomes clear that perpetrators, whether remorseful or not, live with the devastating effects of their actions. They have lost the awareness of their own soul and their sense of humanity. For this we must mourn, for it is truly a deeply tragic matter. When we mourn for the perpetrators, not only does it assist us to find our own soul and sense of humanity; it also gives permission to their descendants to count themselves once more as humans with a soul.  

When we consider the Bible’s words, “visiting the sins of the fathers upon the children, unto the third and the fourth generation”, it becomes apparent that this knowledge of trans-generational transference of guilt, shame and remorse is not new. Mourning the perpetrators goes well beyond pity, for most of us can find pity within us for such individuals and groups. Pity, however, can often lack equality, given our tendency to look down upon such individuals. What is required is that we fully embrace the scale of the self-inflicted damage and all the resulting consequences. When we are in a place of being able to mourn the Jews and the Nazis equally, we can bring peace to ourselves as individuals and eventually to the world. Exclusion begets exclusion which in turn begets yet more inhumane action as victims becomes perpetrators and their victims do likewise. When the cycle of exclusion ceases, so, too, will the cycle of victims and perpetrators.

Whether our exclusion is of Nazis, Islamic terrorists, paedophiles, the architects of apartheid, murderers, or a specific ethnic group, the solution and the effects remain the same. The loss that has occurred is borne not only by the victims.

 

Personal Inclusiveness

Whilst it may be relatively easy for us to embrace universal inclusiveness as expressed in the previous section, most of us are more challenged when it comes to the area of personal inclusiveness. I define personal inclusiveness as allowing and embracing individuals in our lives who have hitherto been excluded. Let me give you an example. I worked with a woman who reported having problems with her young teenage children. She shared that they were disruptive, defiant and almost always angry with her. As her story unfolded, she told me that her husband had had an affair with a colleague at work and had left her to live with the other woman. Surprisingly, rather than the children being angry with their father out of loyalty to their mother (which often happens), it transpired that the children were really angry with her. Let me explain. Whilst we can understand that my client would not be the best of friends with her former husband, it became apparent that she had excluded her ex-husband from the role of being a father to the children, demanding an unspoken loyalty from her children with the expectation that they, too, would exclude him. The source of the children’s anger was feeling that they were being denied a father. Her ex-husband’s position as the children’s father is a given, not something that can ever be undone, and when we attempt to exclude that which is, it always has consequences, some of which my client was living with. Many would argue that to include the ex-husband as the father (an undeniable fact) is to sanction or condone his behaviour. However, the actions of individuals do not define their rightful place. No matter the action, the father remains the father. When we exclude such fathers, we in effect punish the children for something they have no control over – nor indeed is it any of their business. I have often observed that when one in a couple seeks to punish the other through exclusion, they themselves will be punished by their children, as was the case with my client.

In families there are often those that have been excluded or forced into the role of “black sheep”. I have observed that when we exclude anyone, we exclude a part of ourselves. One client reported that she had great difficulty with her relationship with her sister, as her sister made a living as an exotic dancer in a strip club. As we worked on this topic, it was clear that my client had difficulties with her own sexuality and indeed excluded many of her own feelings and natural impulses. What was interesting was that her children loved their aunt and were very fond of her, and became very excited whenever she visited. Her children, in their innocence and natural ability to include with love, had the impulse to abundantly display their inclusion of their aunt to counterbalance their mother’s exclusion.

When we include, we feel more complete and whole. Exclusion always leaves a hole.

Throughout life we are challenged to include many individuals and behaviours that we would otherwise feel pressured or expected to exclude, such as a drug-taking sibling, an alcoholic, a thief, a prostitute, a father or mother who had affairs, an ex-partner or spouse, and many more.  We may feel that we are inclusive of such individuals or behaviours when we state that we are trying to help such individuals overcome their alcoholism or whatever their particular habit or lifestyle choice has been. However, when we look closely and realise that our helping may not be fully at the request of the other, we have simply uncovered another layer of disallowing, or exclusion.

Inclusiveness is really about non-judgement. However, many of us fail in this area, especially when we say things like, “I don’t judge it, I simply don’t like it”, in which case we are simply tolerating it. When we tolerate we still have negative emotion around the subject and, when negative emotion exists, there is no freedom. The only thing that we need to like or not like is that which is directly within our own experience – meaning, if being an alcoholic does not align with our own life preferences, then it is not for us. However, the business of others is simply that, someone else’s business. They are capable of making choices for themselves. The less we worry about other people’s choices and keep out of their business, the more fruitful and joyous our own lives can be. As we do this, then our contribution to the planet is one of a joyful life. As soon as we exclude anything, any behaviour, any person, race, creed, event or culture, we go into resistance and our life does not flow as we want it to, for our creative energies are tied up in resistance instead of being focused on creating the harmony that we desire. 
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